REMORSE AND FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is reciprocal
Forgiveness in Matthew 18:21–35: Then Peter came to Jesus and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell before him, saying, Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me what you owe! So his fellow servant fell at his feet and begged him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay you all. And he would not but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I pitied you? And his master was angry and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So my heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.
Forgiveness is a topic much abused by many, especially by Christians. Jesus encouraging us to forgive does not mean we should keep offending people. That also does not mean forgiveness can be obtained without effort on the offender’s part. There can be no true forgiveness unless we realise our sins, acknowledge them, and repent by asking for forgiveness, instead of pretending it. True repentance implies approaching the person you have offended and presenting your apology.
In Matthew (18:15–17), we find this beautiful guideline which Jesus left for his disciples and for Christians on how to settle conflicts: “If your brother [or sister] sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
After taking the steps indicated by Jesus to call to order a brother or sister who offended you, and the person refuses to repent, Jesus said the person should be regarded as a Gentile or a tax collector. That is not an invitation to hatred or even shutting the person out. It only means letting the person be, hoping that he or she will eventually come to his or her senses. If, after the person comes back and pleads for forgiveness, Jesus insists that he or she must be forgiven.
Usually some people have the tendency of emphasising forgiveness to the detriment of the victim. Without considering the personality or status of the person concerned, we should have the courage to tell whoever is in the wrong to plead for forgiveness. Pleading to be forgiven is not a sign of weakness or humiliation. A person’s status has nothing to do with saying “I am sorry.” To ask for forgiveness is an indication of the presence of God’s spirit in my life. It is a sign of humility and wisdom. Anything contrary to this is arrogance and obstinacy.
Sincere and Presumed Apology
A true apology is different from a presumed apology. A true apology is when you offend someone and freely go to the person and ask for forgiveness. On the other hand, a presumed apology is when, out of arrogance, you assume you have done nothing wrong and even claim to be the victim. Another side of a presumed apology is when you grudgingly ask someone to forgive you not because you are sorry, but because others forced you to do so. This is an attitude that should be avoided because it obstructs interpersonal relationships and makes forgiveness difficult.
A presumed apology does not mean repentance. It is only a way of making people believe all is well when, in reality, the offender’s heart is still hardened. “Seventy times seven” means forgiveness has no limit. If forgiveness has no limit, then pleading to be forgiven should also have no limit. Peace and harmony do not depend on one person. All must contribute. Again, repeating the same offence with the intention of asking for forgiveness is evil. Such behaviour can only come from an evil and dirty mind. As Jesus advised, let it not be mentioned among you (cf. Eph 5:3).
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